I’ve had trouble with depression about half my life. It historically has come in cycles, where my low points tend to end when I realize I’m in one. Then things get better pretty quickly and my life returns to “normal” until the next downturn.
I start taking better care of myself, cook more, clean more, spend more time in my craft space. Everything’s just peachy.
But since the fire, life has felt different and my depression has felt different.
Earlier this month, I hit a lower low than I had ever experienced. And I’m still right down there near the bottom. Instead of my historical quick recovery times, I feel like I’m on a desperately shallow slope, trudging through deep mud to climb up out of it.
On the other side of it, my highs are nowhere near as high as they used to be. I just feel… flat.
I’ve been aware of (and supportive of) Spoon Theory for years. Many friends of mine use this language to describe their daily lives and experiences. But for the first time in my life, I feel like I truly understand. I have so few spoons right now, and they aren’t replenishing with any speed at all.
My overwhelming feeling this past month has been the desire for all demands on me to just… STOP. One night in particular, I broke. I couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t walk across a room, flip a light switch, or even sit down. I just stood there, holding my hands over my face in the dark living room, sobbing. I lost track of time. I slept like garbage that night.
And I’ve been on an emotional knife’s edge ever since.
I find myself crying all the time lately. For no reason at all, or in response to the smallest of inputs. Tears just fall out of my face.
My crafting space has remained nearly untouched for 2 weeks now. What little I’ve done has required minimal effort. Sometimes, I look at stamp sets I want to use, but have literally zero ideas of what to do with them. I’ll dig through my supplies, hoping for inspiration, but none comes.
Even looking at the designs put out by my favorite brands – designs that make me want to use those stamp sets something fierce – I don’t yet feel the desire to actually pick them up and use them.
Did you know that depression is exhausting? Without any other inputs, I would still be low energy just because of my emotional state. I’m constantly juggling conflicting emotions and desires. I often don’t have the energy to make real decisions and find myself falling on whatever is simplest to do.
More often than not, that means laying in bed watching a show instead of sitting at my craft table and making something – even something simple.
I’m meeting regularly with a therapist, I speak very openly about this with my SO and friends, and I am making some small bits of progress. Not much progress, but technically some.
Sorry, but this has been a long, rambling post with no apparent ending. I don’t have answers, I’m not out of this rut, and I’m not sure when I’ll take my next step forward.
All I know is I’m not giving up.